How Kinesiology makes me a better Mum.
Being someone who finds both being in a rush and excessive, loud noises incredibly activating I probably should have considered how giving birth to two very rambunctious (and chronically slow moving when we need to be somewhere) little boys might affect me! Something something hindsight... This is all in jest, I do not, for one single second regret having my boys, they are my greatest achievement and I love them so much it physically hurts. But you know what else physically hurts? LOUD NOISES! I never expected, when I fell pregnant the first time back in 2014, that my biggest parenting challenge would be how easily my nervous system would jump into fight or flight because there are too many noises happening at the one time, it is 8:45am on a Monday and my youngest child has only managed to put one sock on in the last 5 minutes.
The rage I now find myself experiencing is something I was entirely unprepared for and over the last 12 years has brought me so much shame. What do you mean I just lost my every loving shit at my kids because they wanted to play nicely with each by jumping on the couch while Alexa belted our some gibberish Minecraft song and the dog just shit on the carpet? Am I not this ethereal, goddess of a woman who remains calm under pressure and is the personification of Mother Gaia, Demeter the Greek goddess of nurturing and Mother Mary all wrapped in one pretty little package. Yeah…nah. Someone dropped an icecube earlier so my sock is wet now and that was the last straw.
How I interact with my boys has come up a lot in the kinesiology sessions I have had on myself (oh yes dearest gentle reader, I do not have all my shit together!) Because whenever I hit the Red Zone and I do get ragey I have an almost out of body experience. I watch myself going all banshee and think “bloody hell you crazy bitch, they’re just babies…” and then I hate myself for it afterwards. Of course I apologise to them, and explain why I reacted the way I did and make a silent promise to myself that next time…next time I won’t react that way. Next time I’ll take all the deep breaths and count to 10 before responding. And the next time rolls around and no amount of deep breaths helps. Why? Because telling my brain to just “stop it” means nothing without actually bringing my body on board, getting to the root cause of WHY I was reacting this way and what my body AND mind needed to actually support me to respond in a way that actually aligned with the type of Mum I want to be. Enter Kinesiology.
Finding the emotion behind the rage, finding the specific support I needed and being given actual body & mind tools to use to hold me through those powerful emotions was the key. The biggest learning I got from all of this? Was that what I really needed most was BOUNDARIES. Ho Ho what do you mean I don’t have to be the constantly self-sacrificing martyr in order to be a good Mum? What is that you say? I’m allowed to ask for my own space and uninterrupted time while I poop and that doesn’t make me Shit Mum # 1? GROUND BREAKING!
Us Mums have been sold this narrative that in order to be good mothers we have to give 100% of ourselves 100% of the time from the moment of conception, From the moment that little flicker enters our womb we stop being our own person - we are just Mum. That is out entire identity. And, for some women, that works. They’re content, nay, ecstatic with that. And bloody good on them! But for some women, erasing who we are as individuals becomes grating. The constant being needed, being touched, being exhausted drains us until we cannot function how we did before. And if we dare complain or ask for a break? Ungrateful. Unfit. Unworthy.
I have, and continue to work on my stuff around how I interact with my kids a lot because I need to. It is not a ”one session and you’re healed!” situation. As they grow I am faced with new situations that bring about new emotions and new challenges - for all of us. As I told my 11 year old not that long ago, I’m doing this for the first time too. I haven’t parented before him. So no, I won’t always get it right. But I have had 2 instances just this week where the work I have done has really shone through and I wanted to share them because I know, for a fact, that there are many Mum out there struggling with this same challenge and same guilt that I do.
Situation # 1
Location: the carpark of the swimming pool where we have Child #2 swimming lessons
Issue: Swimming lesson starts in T-5 minutes (see above note about being in a rush) and Child # 2 has just accidentally slammed Child #1s fingers in car door. Rush + loud noises, potential emotional outbursts from both children, Mother required for refereeing. Nervous system ready to pack it in.
How I may have handled this previously: Immediately hit fight or flight and the need to fix it and make it go away as fast as possible. I would have gotten unfairly mad at both children. Child # 1 for having his fingers in the vicinity of the car door in the first place instead of just getting out of the car like I had asked him to. Child # 2 for not paying attention. Told Child # 1 that he’s fine, move on, we have to get to swimming right this second because we cannot be late!
How I actually handled it: Focused on Child # 1 knowing that Child # 2 was safely on the footpath. Assured him that what he just experienced was indeed very painful, he actually handled it incredibly well - no swearing, no outburst, just a hiss of pain and a brave face. But I saw in those eyes that he was hurting and he wanted to cry. For context, he is 11yo and in that weird transitional stage between child and teenager so crying is suddenly “uncool” because only babies cry (fuck you patriachy!). So we stopped right there on the footpath and I folded him into me and I let him cry. Because getting your fingers jammed in the door fucking hurts. And he can take as long as needs to cry and feel better. If we are late to the lesson, so be it. He had a cry, I made sure I shielded him from any other people driving past so he wouldn’t feel embarrassed even though gets foghorn out BOYS AND MEN ARE ALLOWED TO CRY!! Once he felt better and like we could continue on my focus turned to Child #2 who was uncharacteristically silent and very guilty looking. His turn for nurturing. Assured him he wasn’t in trouble. He’d done nothing wrong. It was an accident and big brother was ok. Once we were all feeling better off we went to swimming -and we made it in time.
Situation # 2
Location: Our house.
Issue: Me and the 2 boys home and doing our Hour of Power clean up of the house. Child # 2 wants to vaccuum with the stick vac - amazing! Except he hasn’t realised it is plugged into the charger and has just yanked it and caused everything on the bench to come crashing and smashing onto the floor. Broken ceramic diffuser laying in pieces everywhere. Water and oil on the floor. My money bowl filled with coins and salt, miraculously not smashed, but salt everywhere.
How I may have handled this previously: Rampage of “why didn’t you look before you pulled it? Why is it always MY things that get broken? Now look at this mess rah rah rah!”
How I actually handled it: Did I yell - yep sure did. But not AT him. But because a sudden, unexpected smashing made me nearly shit my pants. I swore and then told him not to move so he wouldn’t get injured. I did a quick assessment of the floor then scooped him up and relocated him to the safety of the couch. I immediately assured him he was not in trouble, he’d done nothing wrong, it was an accident (seeing a trend here?) and checked him over for injury. He was fine so then I got to work cleaning up the mess and he got to vac the loungeroom like he wanted. I kept reassuring him that it was ok and even made a big deal of showing him how amazing it was that the glass bowl that I used for my money bowl had survived unscathed (witchcraft!)
How I have handled both of this situations has healed something in me. I have walked away from both feeling so incredibly proud of myself and it has been the proof that doing the work, really getting to the guts of the problem, rather than just skimming over the surface then band-aiding it with a “take a deep breath before responding”, actually works. When you heal the mind and body TOGETHER, that’s when results shine through.
If any of this resonates with you, be assured you’re not alone. I see many Mums in my clinic space and one of the biggest themes that plays out on my table is Mum Guilt. Please know, we were never meant to carry it all on our own. We were never meant to give 100% of ourselves 100% of the time. We may not have The Village in the way it used to exist but we can adapt to support ourselves in today’s world. You do not have to live in a constant state of fight or flight and you do not have to cry yourself to sleep at night because you yelled at your kid today.
If you feel like you need some extra support with this go ahead and click on the Services tab up the top of this page and come see me. I won’t judge you because I am you.
Lots of love
Steph xx
